Have A Nice Trip, See You Next Fall

In coming to terms with myself, I have had to admit some uncomfortable truths. I might be a little impatient. I secretly hate your kids. And, yes, I am a bit of a sadist.

I can admit this now, after years of vehement denial: other peoples' discomfort is funny.

I remember in 6th grade, a girl I knew was morosely paging through a photo album. Closer inspection revealed that the entire album was of her--now dead--cat. As she petted each picture longingly, a tear rolled down her cheek.

And I laughed.

She told me that the beloved cat had been run over by a jeep.

And I LAUGHED.

It was all a little too much to handle, so I made an attempt to politely excuse myself and salvage what little dignity I might have had left.

I don't know what it is about people's dead pets that gives me such a delight. Perhaps it is the pomp and circumstance with which people treat their pets on holidays and birthdays--the dumb costumes and presents, all for a cat!--that convinces me to make light of such "grave" circumstances.

I'm sure the audience of this revealing narrative is disturbed beyond articulation, and now looking for an oven in which they can place their extremities; however, I maintain that I am merely the product of human nature.

We are all sadists. Let's admit it.

Who among us doesn't get a secret rush from watching hot blonds tearing each others' hair out? And are we not slightly disappointed when ice skaters don't tumble? And I'm sure that at least one of us dreams of throwing a cell phone at someone.

Just look at our entertainment: from Jerry Springer to The Real World to Fox news, we love watching drunk oafs tearing each other apart. And if not, then certainly we can change the channel to watch any number of imbeciles embarrass themselves in the name of fame.

We all enjoy the embarrassment and/or pain of others, if only slightly. If only for a moment before we compose our egos. It is in that flash of a moment between the event and the realization of propriety that we live in that honesty, the kind that makes us laugh when someone falls before realizing that we should help them up.

I myself am in no denial. It is still amusing when your pet dies. And if you really did fall, I'd point and laugh and tell everyone I know.