This is dedicated to Naomi Campbell

Remember when Naomi Cambpell threw that cell phone at her assistant? I do, fondly.

Now, I'm not extremely lucid on the details of this occurrence (and I have no doubt that the recipient of this brutal cellular lashing was undeserving), but I had to utter a delighted laugh at the idea of throwing a cell phone at someone.

I fantasize about the kind of life where it is, albeit marginally, acceptable to express my frustration with someone by hurling an expensive commodity at them for looking at me the wrong way.

And then I start to salivate with jealousy.

When I reflect on the daily misconduct of mankind, I am in awe of the blatant disregard "we" (not meaning me) have for one another. In any given twenty-four hour period of time I have been wrongfully subjected to tailgating, stare-downs, cutting in line, and an astounding number of stupid questions. (Of which the latter may be the most offensive.)

I've learned that complaining us useless without a viable solution, and have therefore turned to Ms. Campbell's conflict resolution handbook: a clever resource for solving even the most minor altercations.

Any violation of common sense or propriety now warrants the violent barrage of a cellular device (preferably an older model, as a citizen's misconduct doesn't deserve the destruction of a usable phone; I'm not going to punish myself).

Through implementing this new behavior model I hope to condition mankind (not meaning me) through negative affirmation, and change global misbehavior into 1. a learning opportunity, and 2. a painful experience.

With these changes in full swing, I can now look forward to a peaceful, kind, and considerate society. And hopefully, the sound of a ringtone will send shivers down peoples' spines.