The eye of the beholder? I think not

I've heard it said that foreigners stereotype us Americans as beautiful.

Well, thank you foreigners, but maybe you should postpone your visit to the wonderful USA until SOME of us can get out acts together.

I'm sorry, woman I saw the other day with a beard, and ew, you sir, yesterday? How about you lose 200 lbs, shave, and take off that sad 90s tracksuit that god knows what you stained on the left pant leg back in '91?

Really, I am not sorry. There is no reason for people here in America to be ugly. Granted, I understand the sometimes unfortunate inheritance of genetic calamities, but we here in this wonderful nation have been truly blessed with an astounding panoply of beauty and self-improvement products--and at least one Wal-Mart within 50 miles.

In addition to the tried-and-true hair brush, we also have such useful options as razors, waxing, depilatories (they remove hair, bearded lady), dye, spanx, a phenomenal cosmetic industry, perfume/deodorant, anti-fungals, surgery, and paper bags (the latter being an option for those who may want to abstain from the consumerism often associated with the cosmetic industry, but still do not want to subject the rest of us to their afflicted and possibly repugnant disposition).

In addition to the plethora of aforementioned options, what I find most fascinating about the staggering amount of ugliness that I've been forced to endure is that American tv has clearly had no bearing on their decision to remain offensive.

We are obsessed with makeovers. We make over our pets, houses, grandmas, cars, cabinets, personalities, and furniture all on camera for prime time tv with an audience of millions, yet some people still do not get the point.

Well here is the point: clearly, you are supposed to be beautiful. How is it possible to be ignorant of this? Even more confusing to me is how can anyone possibly not care? It baffles me.

Rather than figure it out, however, I would prefer to find bearded lady a lawnmower for her sideburns.